I have found relationships to be very difficult since I began transition. I know that some of that has to do with my own uncertainty about things sexual and things intimate. I have,though, been able to sort things out for myself in that respect. The key to that was fully understanding that gender identity and sexual orientation are two distinct life issues. In gender identity I am clearly female. In sexual orientation I like women. I have always liked women and that hasn't changed. The difficulty is that the long term relationship I had with a woman (namely a marriage) ended when I began transition. My Ex is stright and didn't feel a deep enough connection with e to endure my changes.
This has left me with the dilemma of now being Gay (namely a Lesbian.) A bit ago I realized that I really had no idea what it meant to be a Lesbian woman. I didn't grow up having to deal with all the things lesbians my age did. There has been a tremendous learning curve and I am still learning. It has been tough.
I am a person who needs a relationship and the best I have been able to manage recently has been friendships. I have alas managed to mess up some friendships. The deal is that I haven't had anything resembling a romance of any kind in a very long time. I am not really sure what the problem is. I know that I am older now but what I fear is that I unconsciously push people away. I know that that is not my intention. I am now sharing some deep reality about me here. I am not really sure how to move ahead. I am not hiding in my home. I am out doing things and meeting people. Sigh!!!
Shel
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
DSM V
This is truly the backwater of all blogs. If you have wandered here I welcome you and hope that there is something here that's interesting. I originally started using this blog to write my story, but I have found that to be quite tedious. If it is tedious to me it must be really tedious for you. I now plan to just post thought on living my life. I of course am transsexual, so my life does have some unusual twists to it.
As I write the American Psychiatric Association is in the midst of meetings in it's process of rewriting it's Diagnostic Manual which will be labeled DSM V. The current one is DSM IV. In the current DSM (Diagnostic Manual) people like me are labeled as having a psychiatric disorder know as Gender Identity Disorder. It is, according to the manual, a psychiatric disorder (or mental illness if you prefer.) The strange thing about this disorder is that there is no cure and the major treatment is with hormones and surgery. This is very strange for a psychiatric disorder.
So what is being debated is whether being transsexual is a psychiatric disorder or possibly just a normal variation of the human condition. I can tell you that I have been through a vast battery of psychological tests within the last 8 years and twice before that, similar tests. In all those tests I tested normal in most everything except for the fact that I am a bit more intelligent than average and a bit on the feminine side. In fact there is no diagnostic test for Gender Identity Disorder! People described with GID self diagnose most of the time. The ones who don't self diagnose are too young to do so.
The issue I believe has to do with the origins of transsexuality. This is something that has not definitively been determined. Until there has been such a determination there are many in the psychiatric world who are guessing at the cause and possible treatments. The situation is similar to the situation of people who are Homosexual. No one knows why they are that way, just that they are that way. The American Psychiatric Association gave up trying to "cure" homosexuality and they removed it from their sacred manual. The appropriate treatment for people who are transsexual is to help them live their lives. Often this means self acceptance and finding the appropriate medical treatments (hormones, surgeries, etc.) Pathologizing Transsexuals just adds one more burden to their already difficult lives. It also misleads psychiatric and medical professionals who come into contact with transsexual people. Counseling techniques for such individuals don't focus on cure, but on life management. I guess I am saying that the psychiatric community should remove GID from the manual and let transsexuals be treated by medical doctors and specialty counselors.
I'll get off the soap box now. Until next time.
God's Peace,
Shel
As I write the American Psychiatric Association is in the midst of meetings in it's process of rewriting it's Diagnostic Manual which will be labeled DSM V. The current one is DSM IV. In the current DSM (Diagnostic Manual) people like me are labeled as having a psychiatric disorder know as Gender Identity Disorder. It is, according to the manual, a psychiatric disorder (or mental illness if you prefer.) The strange thing about this disorder is that there is no cure and the major treatment is with hormones and surgery. This is very strange for a psychiatric disorder.
So what is being debated is whether being transsexual is a psychiatric disorder or possibly just a normal variation of the human condition. I can tell you that I have been through a vast battery of psychological tests within the last 8 years and twice before that, similar tests. In all those tests I tested normal in most everything except for the fact that I am a bit more intelligent than average and a bit on the feminine side. In fact there is no diagnostic test for Gender Identity Disorder! People described with GID self diagnose most of the time. The ones who don't self diagnose are too young to do so.
The issue I believe has to do with the origins of transsexuality. This is something that has not definitively been determined. Until there has been such a determination there are many in the psychiatric world who are guessing at the cause and possible treatments. The situation is similar to the situation of people who are Homosexual. No one knows why they are that way, just that they are that way. The American Psychiatric Association gave up trying to "cure" homosexuality and they removed it from their sacred manual. The appropriate treatment for people who are transsexual is to help them live their lives. Often this means self acceptance and finding the appropriate medical treatments (hormones, surgeries, etc.) Pathologizing Transsexuals just adds one more burden to their already difficult lives. It also misleads psychiatric and medical professionals who come into contact with transsexual people. Counseling techniques for such individuals don't focus on cure, but on life management. I guess I am saying that the psychiatric community should remove GID from the manual and let transsexuals be treated by medical doctors and specialty counselors.
I'll get off the soap box now. Until next time.
God's Peace,
Shel
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
So much......
So much for big plans! I have been so busy that I have completely overlooked this blog. I am sorry about that. I will try to be more diligent in posting.
I have been living full-time as a woman for six years now. I had the Genital Reassignment Surgery four years ago. My life has somewhat stabilized, though I still have life issues. These issues are now more issues of just living. My marriage of 31 years has been over for five years. My ex and I are friendly, but no longer close. I am close with my children and I have a granddaughter. One son, the one with a daughter, now lives in Arizona with his spouse. I do not yet have any kind of close relationship. I am trying to settle into a Lesbian existence. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. For some who transition sexual orientation transitions also. I thought this might happen with me at first, but I just can't even feel comfortable kissing a man much less anything more. I am Lesbian.
I have been thinking about what I might do with this blog and it strikes me that I might use it to think through some issues of life. I think this might be useful for my own thinking about my life has been and is about - possibly even will be about.
I have encountered all kinds of doubts and fears over the years and it might be a good thing to write some of these down and look back at them at some time. Possibly this also might help someone else going through similar things.
First let me make an observation. Transsexual people are not really very different from everyone else. This may be comforting, but it could also be disconcerting. I managed to survive a good number of years without any one else knowing I was trans. To the world I was "normal" whatever that means. This means that one never knows what lurks in the psyche of another person. We are all more alike in the fact the we are truely known only to ourselves. Public statistics indicate that the transsexual population is extremely small and that there are more male to female individuals that female to male. My experience tells me that this public perception is quite wrong. The populations of male to female and female to male may be equal in size. In addition there are far more gender variant people that can currently be statistically tracked. Most all statistics are based on surveys or reporting by medical/psychiatric professionals. They see only a tip of the situation. It may be far more common to have some gender variance than was ever expected. I believe that this may be behind people's fears surrounding transsexuals. I have no current way of proving this, but I do offer this as something to think about.
I am going to wrap up here for now. I am feeling cold and need to do something to warm up. Until next time, please be well!
I have been living full-time as a woman for six years now. I had the Genital Reassignment Surgery four years ago. My life has somewhat stabilized, though I still have life issues. These issues are now more issues of just living. My marriage of 31 years has been over for five years. My ex and I are friendly, but no longer close. I am close with my children and I have a granddaughter. One son, the one with a daughter, now lives in Arizona with his spouse. I do not yet have any kind of close relationship. I am trying to settle into a Lesbian existence. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. For some who transition sexual orientation transitions also. I thought this might happen with me at first, but I just can't even feel comfortable kissing a man much less anything more. I am Lesbian.
I have been thinking about what I might do with this blog and it strikes me that I might use it to think through some issues of life. I think this might be useful for my own thinking about my life has been and is about - possibly even will be about.
I have encountered all kinds of doubts and fears over the years and it might be a good thing to write some of these down and look back at them at some time. Possibly this also might help someone else going through similar things.
First let me make an observation. Transsexual people are not really very different from everyone else. This may be comforting, but it could also be disconcerting. I managed to survive a good number of years without any one else knowing I was trans. To the world I was "normal" whatever that means. This means that one never knows what lurks in the psyche of another person. We are all more alike in the fact the we are truely known only to ourselves. Public statistics indicate that the transsexual population is extremely small and that there are more male to female individuals that female to male. My experience tells me that this public perception is quite wrong. The populations of male to female and female to male may be equal in size. In addition there are far more gender variant people that can currently be statistically tracked. Most all statistics are based on surveys or reporting by medical/psychiatric professionals. They see only a tip of the situation. It may be far more common to have some gender variance than was ever expected. I believe that this may be behind people's fears surrounding transsexuals. I have no current way of proving this, but I do offer this as something to think about.
I am going to wrap up here for now. I am feeling cold and need to do something to warm up. Until next time, please be well!
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Rethinking
I have been rethinking this Blog and have decided to be more active here. I had originally intended to just tell my story, but now I think I will refocus a bit. This will still be about me and my life, but I intend to make things a bit more current and certainly updated more.
As an update to my whole life I want to say that now I am post-transition (whatever that is.) I guess that I am trying to get across the fact that physical transition from male to female has been completed. As long as anyone is alive I think they are in transition. Transsexual individuals, however, can undergo an intense period of life change generally called "transition." That latter transition is completed and I am now in the process of living my new life.
Join me as I attempt to let you know what living a life in multiple genders is like.
Shel
As an update to my whole life I want to say that now I am post-transition (whatever that is.) I guess that I am trying to get across the fact that physical transition from male to female has been completed. As long as anyone is alive I think they are in transition. Transsexual individuals, however, can undergo an intense period of life change generally called "transition." That latter transition is completed and I am now in the process of living my new life.
Join me as I attempt to let you know what living a life in multiple genders is like.
Shel
Monday, October 15, 2007
On and On
This blog has been for me an occasional project. One which I work at when the spirit moves me. I have occasionally thought some of the material might be the basis of a book someday. In any case, I rarely write in it and it certainly isn't a running daily journal. If you should find your way here please understand that this is for me a kind of remembrance record. I never envisioned that it would be exciting or challenging or even interesting to anyone other than myself. Who knows though.
To keep any potential readers in perspective I am now two and a half years postop and have been living almost four years full time as a woman. In general life is good, but certainly has taken many twists that were unexpected. I am divorced from my wife of 31 years and I have a granddaughter. I am still an Episcopal Priest in good standing, but I am now retired (it's a long story!)
Today I do not plan to forward the time line at all. I did want to give a sense of where I am now. Peace to you all.
Shel
To keep any potential readers in perspective I am now two and a half years postop and have been living almost four years full time as a woman. In general life is good, but certainly has taken many twists that were unexpected. I am divorced from my wife of 31 years and I have a granddaughter. I am still an Episcopal Priest in good standing, but I am now retired (it's a long story!)
Today I do not plan to forward the time line at all. I did want to give a sense of where I am now. Peace to you all.
Shel
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Tuesday, February 06, 2007
And so it goes
Life back East was very busy. The Church was very demanding and the Diocesan Camp, though a pleasure was a lot of work year-round. In the parish I began trying to reverse a lot of the damage the previous priest had done. I did a lot of visiting of families, especially families who were on the rolls but not attending. It was tough work. I also tried to get people to volunteer for the many things that needed to be done, like the Sunday school. I met with some initial success, but eventually that would be undermined by some of the forces in the parish. It seems strange to tell, but there were parishioners who worked at thwarting anything I tried to accomplish. Unfortunately that is a reality in the church. The Sunday school was one thing that seemed to go somewhat well. There were several teachers, including my wife. Eventually, the teachers were driven away through criticism, mostly. There came a day when my wife was the only teacher. One Sunday she had all the children and several of them got away to the bathrooms and began laughing and screaming. They were clearly heard in the church and one of the grumpier parishioners went back and blasted my wife. S proceeded to quit being a Sunday School teacher and so ended the Sunday school for a while.
I am getting a bit ahead of myself though. That first year I discovered the reality of doing both jobs. In January I had to begin advertising and hiring camp staff. The church had no secretary and neither did the camp (there was support only for camper registrations and for bill paying.) I did it all and continued my parish work. I worked without taking a day off each week. I had to take my vacation during the winter months because I had to be at the camp all summer. Taking time off was very difficult. My blood pressure went up. I had never had high blood pressure before in my life, but now I had borderline high blood pressure. I was put on diuretics. The diuretics eventually made me feel very irritable and I had to take potassium supplements.
In many ways I was too busy to cross dress, but I did take hormones. On the hormone front it became obvious to me that I was going to have a problem. I had been forging prescriptions. In Kansas it had been easy because the KU Med Center was far from Lawrence and the pharmacists were accustomed to not knowing the Doctors. In Connecticut the pharmacists were familiar with all the Doctors and I had to stop forging prescriptions out of fear of being discovered. I found a natural source of estrogen at health food stores, freeze dried bovine ovary. I found that that source helped me feel better and didn't cause quick breast development. It also didn't interfere with sexual functioning. Once I started using those pills breast development continued, but slowly and I felt much better. The discomfort I felt without hormones is hard to describe, but I felt sort of uneasy in my own body. Without estrogen I felt constantly on edge. I used these pills for years after this.
This was in 1978 and 1979. As a family S and I and my son were mostly happy. We were near S's parents so we saw them frequently. They doted on my son as did my parents. Though some things were difficult most went well. Even the church seemed to make some gains and the camp registrations were at max with waiting lists. Life was pretty good.
As I look back on my life, I think I might have been primed for a gender change in 1976-1979. I had researched transsexuality and I was taking female hormones quite regularly. I had not sought out counseling and I truly did not believe myself to be transsexual. Ironically I was only a short distance from help and did not know it. A priest at the Cathedral in Hartford was an authority in transsexuality and a leader of both a support group and Gender clinic. Several things lead me away from seeking further help, at the time I had no desire for Sex change surgery and I was oriented totally to women. In those days transsexuals were supposed to want male husbands and that wasn't what interested me. Sex change surgery just seemed out of reach. I wanted female sex organs, but surgery seemed impossible. I was aware of some rather profound changes from taking estrogen. Those changes were not just physical, but they were also mental. The risks at that time would have been very great. My denomination had barely accepted female clergy much less trans-female. I certainly would have lost my wife and child along with my jobs. I had decided that I was not really transsexual because I wasn't oriented to men and that would make surgery impossible. I also didn't want to loose sexual functioning. At the time the sex change surgery was still in it's infancy and most post-op trans women didn't have sensation which allowed orgasm. In any case I made due with taking estrogen and cross dressing occasionally.
I am getting a bit ahead of myself though. That first year I discovered the reality of doing both jobs. In January I had to begin advertising and hiring camp staff. The church had no secretary and neither did the camp (there was support only for camper registrations and for bill paying.) I did it all and continued my parish work. I worked without taking a day off each week. I had to take my vacation during the winter months because I had to be at the camp all summer. Taking time off was very difficult. My blood pressure went up. I had never had high blood pressure before in my life, but now I had borderline high blood pressure. I was put on diuretics. The diuretics eventually made me feel very irritable and I had to take potassium supplements.
In many ways I was too busy to cross dress, but I did take hormones. On the hormone front it became obvious to me that I was going to have a problem. I had been forging prescriptions. In Kansas it had been easy because the KU Med Center was far from Lawrence and the pharmacists were accustomed to not knowing the Doctors. In Connecticut the pharmacists were familiar with all the Doctors and I had to stop forging prescriptions out of fear of being discovered. I found a natural source of estrogen at health food stores, freeze dried bovine ovary. I found that that source helped me feel better and didn't cause quick breast development. It also didn't interfere with sexual functioning. Once I started using those pills breast development continued, but slowly and I felt much better. The discomfort I felt without hormones is hard to describe, but I felt sort of uneasy in my own body. Without estrogen I felt constantly on edge. I used these pills for years after this.
This was in 1978 and 1979. As a family S and I and my son were mostly happy. We were near S's parents so we saw them frequently. They doted on my son as did my parents. Though some things were difficult most went well. Even the church seemed to make some gains and the camp registrations were at max with waiting lists. Life was pretty good.
As I look back on my life, I think I might have been primed for a gender change in 1976-1979. I had researched transsexuality and I was taking female hormones quite regularly. I had not sought out counseling and I truly did not believe myself to be transsexual. Ironically I was only a short distance from help and did not know it. A priest at the Cathedral in Hartford was an authority in transsexuality and a leader of both a support group and Gender clinic. Several things lead me away from seeking further help, at the time I had no desire for Sex change surgery and I was oriented totally to women. In those days transsexuals were supposed to want male husbands and that wasn't what interested me. Sex change surgery just seemed out of reach. I wanted female sex organs, but surgery seemed impossible. I was aware of some rather profound changes from taking estrogen. Those changes were not just physical, but they were also mental. The risks at that time would have been very great. My denomination had barely accepted female clergy much less trans-female. I certainly would have lost my wife and child along with my jobs. I had decided that I was not really transsexual because I wasn't oriented to men and that would make surgery impossible. I also didn't want to loose sexual functioning. At the time the sex change surgery was still in it's infancy and most post-op trans women didn't have sensation which allowed orgasm. In any case I made due with taking estrogen and cross dressing occasionally.
Tags:
Monday, April 10, 2006
Back East
It's been a long time since I last posted here and the last post was sort of out of sequence. Let's get back in sequence. S wanted to move back east to be closer to her family. I really didn't feel like I was getting very far in the University. There seemed to be no continuity from year to year. I came back east looking for a new job and one came up in Connecticut. I took a job directing a Church Summer camp and also being a priest at a small church. Little did I know that the combination would be so much work.
The Camp was supposed to be a Summer position, except for hiring and I would do the parish the rest of the year. When we moved back I had to almost immediately start the camp. I worked with the previous director and S and my son lived at camp. We had to live in make-shift accommodations because the previous director was living in the Director's house. It was hell for S. I loved the camp work but things were very difficult for her with the baby. I also had to start at the parish and they wanted me to do services every Sunday. It was very difficult doing Sundays and the camp at the same time. The stress that Summer was great. There was no opportunity to cross-dress, but I continued taking hormones. S didn't know of either the crossdressing or the hormones and I wouldn't admit to my self what that was all about. The biggest deception is self deception. By the end of the Summer the strain between S and I was very great. I was thinking about divorce because she complained all the time.
Fortunately things got better when we moved back to the house and the work at the church began. There was more a sense of normalcy for all of us. The summer was telling though. I went to the Dr. for a check up and found that my blood pressure was elevated for the first time. I was put on diuretic and frequent trips to the Dr. I had mostly been healthy and I didn't feel bad. I did worry though that so many visits to the Dr. would reveal my secret of hormone use. By this time I had distinct breasts after a couple of years of hormone use. I would take estrogen for a while and then stop for a while. I worried that my breasts would get so large that S would notice and I also worried that sexual function would stop. I continued this way for a while.
Eventually it got harder and harder to get the hormones. In Kansas it was easy to forge prescriptions. Doctors at the University of Kansas changed frequently and weren't well known to the pharmacists in Lawrence. Back east the pharmacists knew the local Doctors. I became afraid that I would be caught forging prescriptions and eventually stopped.
The church was no bed of roses it turned out. I had been preceded by an alcoholic who had done great damage to the church. It also turned out that he had been a pedophile. I am not sure whether the Bishop ever knew about the abuse of boys. It was a very sad thing and the damage had been done. I had my hands full trying to rebuild things. I would struggle with that congregation for 5 years eventually.
Enough for now. Next time I restart hormones and crossdressing of course. Bye for now.
Love,
Shel
The Camp was supposed to be a Summer position, except for hiring and I would do the parish the rest of the year. When we moved back I had to almost immediately start the camp. I worked with the previous director and S and my son lived at camp. We had to live in make-shift accommodations because the previous director was living in the Director's house. It was hell for S. I loved the camp work but things were very difficult for her with the baby. I also had to start at the parish and they wanted me to do services every Sunday. It was very difficult doing Sundays and the camp at the same time. The stress that Summer was great. There was no opportunity to cross-dress, but I continued taking hormones. S didn't know of either the crossdressing or the hormones and I wouldn't admit to my self what that was all about. The biggest deception is self deception. By the end of the Summer the strain between S and I was very great. I was thinking about divorce because she complained all the time.
Fortunately things got better when we moved back to the house and the work at the church began. There was more a sense of normalcy for all of us. The summer was telling though. I went to the Dr. for a check up and found that my blood pressure was elevated for the first time. I was put on diuretic and frequent trips to the Dr. I had mostly been healthy and I didn't feel bad. I did worry though that so many visits to the Dr. would reveal my secret of hormone use. By this time I had distinct breasts after a couple of years of hormone use. I would take estrogen for a while and then stop for a while. I worried that my breasts would get so large that S would notice and I also worried that sexual function would stop. I continued this way for a while.
Eventually it got harder and harder to get the hormones. In Kansas it was easy to forge prescriptions. Doctors at the University of Kansas changed frequently and weren't well known to the pharmacists in Lawrence. Back east the pharmacists knew the local Doctors. I became afraid that I would be caught forging prescriptions and eventually stopped.
The church was no bed of roses it turned out. I had been preceded by an alcoholic who had done great damage to the church. It also turned out that he had been a pedophile. I am not sure whether the Bishop ever knew about the abuse of boys. It was a very sad thing and the damage had been done. I had my hands full trying to rebuild things. I would struggle with that congregation for 5 years eventually.
Enough for now. Next time I restart hormones and crossdressing of course. Bye for now.
Love,
Shel
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