I thought I had solved the issue of whether I was a man or not. I now had a relationship with a woman that was meaningful and fulfilling and sexual. D and I had sex in every possible way I think. We often did it multiple times each night. We slept in the buff and the whole relationship was incredibly sensual. The only problem was that D wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We liked each other even loved each other and we made love, but she would not commit. I am not sure what drove her, but I do know that after I dropped her at her parents place in Maine I got a call in New Haven from her explaining that she had had sex with a local guy; a guy I didn't particularly respect, to boot. The phone call was one of the longest I have ever made and it was painful. We agreed to meet and talk things over. We met and went to Cape Cod and camped. We decided to be apart. I went back to New Haven and she to Maine. I worked on my Master's Thesis that year and occasionally she would call and every once in a while we would get together and of course resume our old activities. After graduation I went to work in a Community in Connecticut doing Drug counseling with teenagers. It was stressful work.
About here there was a definite change in my life. It wasn't just separating from D but an old problem recurred. As I moved my stuff out of her parents attic I stopped in her room. I put her bra on. I couldn't explain why I did it and I felt ashamed that I had done that. Later working in the community I started to buy women's cloths. I had everything. I would come home from work at night and dress for the rest of the night. I had very long straight hair, down to the middle of my back. I learned how to make real feeling brests using rice in stockings. I even ventured out of the house occasionally at night. I didn't go into social events at all dressed. I did that until I severely dislocated my shoulder. I had already dislocated it in al,ost every sport I played, but this time I fell on the arm and jammed it into my chest. I had to be taken to the hospital to reset it. There I was given introvenous Valium. Wow! What a high! From then on the shoulder would just fall out of the socket from gravity. I had surgery and a screw was inserted in my arm. Tendons and ligaments were relocated to keep the arm in place. My arm was immobilized for 3 months and it took another three months to regain movement. I stopped crossdressing during that healing time. It was too hard to do.
We need to go back a bit and pick up a different thread and I will do that in the next installment.
Shel
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Sunday, July 04, 2004
The Great Plains
The great plains of our West are much like my journey through them. They are monotonous and distinctly undistinctive. The people who pioneered our country and crossed them 150 years ago must have found them very disturbing. They are like an ocean, low rolling hills as far as the eye could see. Once again I could have never dreamed that I would someday live in that country for four years.
What can I say. The drive was long and tedious and nothing exciting happened, at least nothing worth remembering. At the end of the third day I stayed in a mtel at the outskirts of Chicago. The next day I began driving east again. I should have driven only 500 to 600 miles and stopped, but I ended up driving all the way to New Haven. My right hand was swollen fro gripping the wheel so hard with it. That is a rather long ride. As I remember it was about 1000 miles. A long way to go in one day. Whhen I arived in New Haven I was in a sense a different person than the one who left. I left a confused and fragile person who had just tried to kill himself. I had little maleness about me and I left in search of it. When I returned i believed that I had found the male me. My confidence was renewed. I had long hair and was tan. At six foot tall I weighed 160 lbs. I wore sandals, a leather vest and beads. I looked like a flower child and was happy.
My friend and his lovely bride were married several days after I returned. At the wedding I met the daughter of one of the professors who was living in New Jersey. It was an uneventful meeting and I didn't think a thing of it. After Paul and Kath were married and gone on their honeymoon the opportunity came up to go to a big rock festival. It was to be held in a farmers field in New York State. The buzz was all around about it and the predictions were that a lot of people would be there. A friend of mine wanted me to go with him. I had the memories of the violence at the festival in Califirnia and decided not to go. I was also still beat ffom all the driving. My frind went and I didn't and I missed Woodstock! I have kicked myself frequently since then.
A month later there was an event that would take me back on the road again. A special convention of our church was being held in South Bend, Indiana. With a car full of students we set off to go to it. It was history and we went with the blessing of the whole school. We were there a week and returned. From that point on I had some new status at school. In October there was a party, I can't reember the excuse (we hardly ever needed one.) There was liberal booze and there was music and some dancing. I didn't do much drinking, but the daughter of one of the Professors who I will call "D" was there. She had come up from New Jersey to see her parents. On a whim I asked her to dance. I don't really know what happened or why it happpened but as we danced we clicked. Relationships with women had always been difficult, but this was so easy. We danced and later we kissed and i walked her to her parents house. As we kissed good night she said she wanted me to know she had a boy friend in New Jersey. Two weeks later she was back and we went out to dinner and the movies. We saw Easy Rider. We came back and we went to my room. We spent the night together. The next day she went back to New Jersey and broke up with her former boyfriend and moved in with her parents. We became inseparable from that point on and we nightly had sex in my dorm room. Her parents became worried that there would be a scandal in the school so I moved into their house. D and I live in the attic. She was an incredibly sexual person and we both had sexual appetites that matched. Not only did we make love nightly, but mutiple times nightly. I look back on that time and it is alost as if someone else was there and I wasn't. I was there though. D got a job in New Haven and we settled in to life together. It was an incredibly sexual time. One weekend we started on Friday evening and we made love until 4 pm the next day. I climaxed at least 6 times. At the end we were both raw. That was extreme, but for nine months we carried on together. As it became Spring we moved our activities outdoors. We went to Cape Cod and made love in the dunes. Her parents bought a farm in Maine and we went up there and made love in the fields. I am not going to make a list of every place we had sex, but we did it frequently. I am told that it is rather unusual for women to climax at the same time as the man, but it was the rule for us. I had found my manhood and I was happy.
For every bright thing in life some darkness must fall. Next time we will see that darkness.
Shel
What can I say. The drive was long and tedious and nothing exciting happened, at least nothing worth remembering. At the end of the third day I stayed in a mtel at the outskirts of Chicago. The next day I began driving east again. I should have driven only 500 to 600 miles and stopped, but I ended up driving all the way to New Haven. My right hand was swollen fro gripping the wheel so hard with it. That is a rather long ride. As I remember it was about 1000 miles. A long way to go in one day. Whhen I arived in New Haven I was in a sense a different person than the one who left. I left a confused and fragile person who had just tried to kill himself. I had little maleness about me and I left in search of it. When I returned i believed that I had found the male me. My confidence was renewed. I had long hair and was tan. At six foot tall I weighed 160 lbs. I wore sandals, a leather vest and beads. I looked like a flower child and was happy.
My friend and his lovely bride were married several days after I returned. At the wedding I met the daughter of one of the professors who was living in New Jersey. It was an uneventful meeting and I didn't think a thing of it. After Paul and Kath were married and gone on their honeymoon the opportunity came up to go to a big rock festival. It was to be held in a farmers field in New York State. The buzz was all around about it and the predictions were that a lot of people would be there. A friend of mine wanted me to go with him. I had the memories of the violence at the festival in Califirnia and decided not to go. I was also still beat ffom all the driving. My frind went and I didn't and I missed Woodstock! I have kicked myself frequently since then.
A month later there was an event that would take me back on the road again. A special convention of our church was being held in South Bend, Indiana. With a car full of students we set off to go to it. It was history and we went with the blessing of the whole school. We were there a week and returned. From that point on I had some new status at school. In October there was a party, I can't reember the excuse (we hardly ever needed one.) There was liberal booze and there was music and some dancing. I didn't do much drinking, but the daughter of one of the Professors who I will call "D" was there. She had come up from New Jersey to see her parents. On a whim I asked her to dance. I don't really know what happened or why it happpened but as we danced we clicked. Relationships with women had always been difficult, but this was so easy. We danced and later we kissed and i walked her to her parents house. As we kissed good night she said she wanted me to know she had a boy friend in New Jersey. Two weeks later she was back and we went out to dinner and the movies. We saw Easy Rider. We came back and we went to my room. We spent the night together. The next day she went back to New Jersey and broke up with her former boyfriend and moved in with her parents. We became inseparable from that point on and we nightly had sex in my dorm room. Her parents became worried that there would be a scandal in the school so I moved into their house. D and I live in the attic. She was an incredibly sexual person and we both had sexual appetites that matched. Not only did we make love nightly, but mutiple times nightly. I look back on that time and it is alost as if someone else was there and I wasn't. I was there though. D got a job in New Haven and we settled in to life together. It was an incredibly sexual time. One weekend we started on Friday evening and we made love until 4 pm the next day. I climaxed at least 6 times. At the end we were both raw. That was extreme, but for nine months we carried on together. As it became Spring we moved our activities outdoors. We went to Cape Cod and made love in the dunes. Her parents bought a farm in Maine and we went up there and made love in the fields. I am not going to make a list of every place we had sex, but we did it frequently. I am told that it is rather unusual for women to climax at the same time as the man, but it was the rule for us. I had found my manhood and I was happy.
For every bright thing in life some darkness must fall. Next time we will see that darkness.
Shel
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