Relationships

I have found relationships to be very difficult since I began transition. I know that some of that has to do with my own uncertainty about things sexual and things intimate. I have,though, been able to sort things out for myself in that respect. The key to that was fully understanding that gender identity and sexual orientation are two distinct life issues. In gender identity I am clearly female. In sexual orientation I like women. I have always liked women and that hasn't changed. The difficulty is that the long term relationship I had with a woman (namely a marriage) ended when I began transition. My Ex is stright and didn't feel a deep enough connection with e to endure my changes.

This has left me with the dilemma of now being Gay (namely a Lesbian.) A bit ago I realized that I really had no idea what it meant to be a Lesbian woman. I didn't grow up having to deal with all the things lesbians my age did. There has been a tremendous learning curve and I am still learning. It has been tough.

I am a person who needs a relationship and the best I have been able to manage recently has been friendships. I have alas managed to mess up some friendships. The deal is that I haven't had anything resembling a romance of any kind in a very long time. I am not really sure what the problem is. I know that I am older now but what I fear is that I unconsciously push people away. I know that that is not my intention. I am now sharing some deep reality about me here. I am not really sure how to move ahead. I am not hiding in my home. I am out doing things and meeting people. Sigh!!!

Shel